Sunday, January 20, 2013

Texas Chainsaw 3D [A Fat Jesus Movie Review]

Let me start by saying. I lived almost 20 of my 22 years in Texas. This doesn't sway my opinion of this movie in the least. Now I really enjoy the original film and the mildly like the remake they did in 2003. The two "starts" of the films eras (1974 and 2003) for Texas Chainsaw Massacre were good (and decent) stuff. I like the idea of unsuspecting kids going into a house to find furniture made of bones and a family who are chainsaw wielding psychopaths. But can 3D and the promise of a dark, enticing new chapter in the series beginning make this worth a viewing? I'll give you a clear answer right now. HAH! NOPE!

We open Texas Chainsaw 3D with events happening after the end of the first movie. The townspeople of Newt, Texas rise up against the Sawyer family [who aided their own in Leatherface in his killing spree] and burns down their farm house. The whole Sawyer family is presumed dead and the town holds the people, led by Mayor Burt Hartman (Paul Rae), who did it in high esteem. However an infant, who turns out to be Edith Sawyer, is found and adopted by Gavin and Arlene Miller (David Born and Sue Rock). Edith is raised by the two as Heather Miller (Alexandria Daddario). Fast forward to current day and Heather finds out that her grandmother, Verna Carson (Marilyn Burns), has passed away and left everything in her estate to her. Finding out she's adopted for the first time, Heather and her boyfriend Ryan (Trey Songz) and their two friends Nikki and Kenny (Tiana Raymonde and Keram Malicki-Sánchez) decide to travel to Newt to collect her inheritance. Picking up a hitchhiker named Darryl (Shaun Sipos) on their trip, they are about to enter a world that hasn't been revisited since those faithful murders back in the 70s.

Let me start by saying, that if this little infant, in Heather, was found after the events of the first movie, and that this movie is set present day, then that would make all of these people nearly forty NOT in their mid-twenties. Let's suspend that belief thought, maybe this story for the new chapter of this horror franchise will be good enough for me to wanna come back to it. Right? There is less character and story development in this movie than I think I've ever seen in a movie EVER. That's hard to do when I like movies like Sex Drive or Hot Rod. Neither horror movies, but I try to avoid horror movies like this one...well cause of movies like this one. But what about the scares and kills you ask, surely this horror movie can deliver in those respects?

Well, sure I guess. There's a few jump scares that can get unsuspecting people, as with most horror movies, even the well made ones, of the past 15 years or so. The kills were kills too. Nothing special though. One of the one thing I thought was cool, was one of the kills where they show a dude getting completely get chainsawed in half. Spoiler? Aww who cares, please don't see this unless you're forced to. Also the Leatherface in this film, Dan Yeager, well up until the end of the movie he's the bad-ass you want him to be. Then trying to be edgy or cool with a plot twist of sorts, well let's just say he gets completely ruined for me. The music, acting and just about everything else in this movie is under-par as well. Trey Songz is in his first and hopefully last feature film and while I like Alexandria Daddario, this was not something I liked her in.

I came into this hoping for a fun horror movie, what I got was more fun playing Paper Mario: Sticker Star after about 15 minutes in when I got bored. The story is ludicrous on what they want me to believe, while also managing to bore me. The acting doesn't come close to making up for it and the "scares", kills and gore doesn't quite help it either. Even if you're a die hard fan of this series I don't think you could like this movie or makes any excuses that this movie is redeeming to the franchise. There's already a part two of this set to be released in 2015 and that may be the only thing that can make this mess of a movie look good. The sequel.

No comments:

Post a Comment