**This review and post has naughty language, inappropriate "jokes" and thoughts about a naughty "film." Don't ever view this film..and possibly this review.**
"Fifty Shades Darker" doesn't count as a real film. So I'm not going to give it a real review. I gave "Fifty Shades of Grey" a review. But, nope, not this time. The first film was bland, boring and worst of all not nearly bad enough to properly make fun of. I honestly can't remember any of it. Nor will I likely remember any of this film by the time next February rolls around.
"Fifty Shades Darker" goes above and beyond the first "film." They make sure no conflict goes immediately unresolved. It's as if they were blasting through six episodes of a soap opera in the mid-1990s. It got dialogue from local internet fan fiction forums, probably including ones for Vin Diesel. They brought the unnecessary helicopter back and let it crash. There's just so much to digest in this, I can barely comprehend all that happened. There's no plot in this, by the way. There's no plot in the first one. How are these being legitimately watched by people?
The leads, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have the chemistry of two rocks on a mountain. At least they were better in this than in the first "film." In scenes, they "act" as if they're off-brand Barbie and Ken dolls that a 5-year old is playing with. While the beautiful and vibrate setting of Seattle is perfect setting for the muddled fifty shades of dark colors and misery. The tone shifts from boring, to bewilderment, unintentional comedy, to awe, to dissecting reality and finally making peace with the deity you believe in.
Oh right, the sex. Yeah, there's sex scenes. There's front boob, side boob, side butt, butt butt. There's also sensuality with awkward dialogue, almost rape (don't worry, that got resolved in five minutes like all other "conflict"), missionary position, Mormon position and finally, you guessed it, the ever kinky and totally outrageous, missionary position! For a series that prides itself on pushing the envelope, there sure is a lot of safe stuff when it comes to the "controversy" they're trying to create.
"Fifty Shades Darker" is better suited to the people's actual imaginations that are reading the "book" series (Ew), than it is being a "film" for them. Because there is no way that this watered down, badly acted, badly written, badly everything'd "adaptation", can get more out of the people that want to see it, than actually fantasizing (Ew) can.
-Commentary From The People I Watched With-
"Ah, the bright and vibrant sweeping shots of Seattle."
"Nice boat, does it come in heterosexual?"
"How did they do anal in missionary earlier?"
"He's gonna go down on her again and she hasn't even sucked his dick."
"Look at those special f**k pants."
"Did you just say "The Boob Titties.""
"Is he gonna eat those (panties) instead of dinner?"
"F**king kill her!"
"Holy shit, he has The Force."
"Wow, hey, the tension got resolved in one scene again!"
"This sounds like the music in "God's Not Dead.""
"He's Batman dude."
"Oh, he's subbing to her now. Symbolism."
"The fire burns with the passion of 1,000 suns."
"All the oxygen can see her boobs."
"She's not even bottomless."
"I like this movie cause it reminds me of shit."
"Guys, if you don't know (yet), he's rich."
"Hey look, it's Graeme."
"Hey look a helicopter again."
"They inserted this [movie long] conflict in the last 15 minutes."
"HOW IS HE ALREADY THERE? THEY JUST FOUND HIM!"
"OH MY GOD, DANIEL BRYAN!"
"Sometimes this music is ill-timed and always bad."
"[Missionary] It's kinky, Matt."
"Are they hyping up the third film like MCU would?"
"Yo, we only have to wait a year to see part three?! THIS IS LIT!"
-Actual Lines/Things in the "Film"-
Text: Dream of me
Reply: Maybe. Thanks for tonight. Laters Baby.
"I think we should take it slow." *Later in the scene we have the first sex scene*
"You know that's off-limits."
"I'm gonna need a road map"
"I'm too dressed."
"No, you're not putting those in my butt."
"I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank you."
"I wanna marry you."
"My arrival into the world isn't something I feel like celebrating."
"It's after midnight."
"I'm not tired."
"Wait, so this whole time, I had the answer in my pocket?"
"You taught me how to f**k, Elena. Ana, taught me how to love."
*The Chronicles of Riddick poster on the wall*
*The pointless second proposal after she already said yes to the first proposal.*