Friday, February 27, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey [A Fat Jesus Quick Hit]

'Fifty Shades of Grey' is the cultural phenomenon that took women's fantasizes by storm over the past few years. When it was announced that a film adaptation was happening, I could not have been less thrilled. But, seeing as this is the most highly anticipated film based of a romance novel about BSDM to ever come out, needed to see this. So I gathered a group of chums, because there was no way I was gonna watch this alone, and we set off into a colorless world. Full of the most unemotional characters and just plain boring conversations and situations you could ever imagine in your entire life.

'Fifty Shades of Grey' follows the story of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson), a 21 year old college student living in Washington. When her roommate Kate becomes ill, Ana agrees to take her place and interview 27 year old millionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) in Seattle. Christian becomes enamored with Ana and not long after arrives at where she works. He's in town to deliver a speech at her college's graduation. After a photo shoot to go along with the interview, the two go for coffee. Christian leaves abruptly which confuses Ana, but sends her a gift in the mail after she graduates. The two continue this back and forth until they start a love affair in which they escalate events, inside and outside the bedroom, to new heights.

I'm not sure where the plot was in this film, so I hope that was an accurate rundown of one of the worst films I've ever watched in my life. 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is a film that, from start to finish, is a boring and bewildering look into the, by all accounts, shocking and over-the-top, events of the book it was based on. The writing actually included a character saying "Um" multiple times. It also helped depict some of the most boring scenes you'll ever find in a film based around sex. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson have some of the worst on-screen chemistry I've ever seen. So putting them, in scene, after scene, after scene, is a complete disaster. Though sometimes Johnson can be charming, the stone-faced Dornan is a man without emotion (or acting prowess) throughout the entire film. The "shocking" sex scenes are really tame and mostly involve two shirtless people moaning. While scenes where the two are conversing, or flying through the air doing rich people things, are astoundingly dull. The character development is non-existent. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are more or less two robots, made for this film to spit out horrible cliches and make confusing facial expressions. "Which car is yours?", "They all are." This line is actually said in the film. This film is not a comedy and there's no laugh track. This was a serious line, said in a film that came out in 2015. This also contains a four plus minute montage, of a contract being read aloud. Four (or more) minutes of a voice-over reading a contract. I could keep going with examples throughout the entire film. It's abysmal, truly abysmal.

This review is short because I don't have anything good to say about this film at all. This is an early front runner for my least favorite film of the year and I still have 'Jupiter Ascending' to get to. 'Fifty Shades of Grey' gets nothing right. From the acting, to the writing, to the music, to the length (THIS IS TWO HOURS LONG), everything is a painful mess. For a film that is supposed to "shocking," I spent a lot of time thinking about why I was watching this. For what purpose was this film made? Why there's going to indeed be two sequels to this? This film is censored and altered throughout parts of the world. I wish that they would just censor the whole film, so no one ever has to see this again.


  1. Hey buddy, this was a real nice review.

  2. Barf, just what everyone expected. 100% marketing hype for a product that no one truly wanted to see.